a day of mourning

I have ended my orthopaedic posting after a 3 1/2 month stint. It was a very interesting posting, to say the least. for this posting, it was my first encounter since i've worked to deal with so many elderlies as well as to deal with many chronic illness.

I had enjoyed very much during the initial period of the posting, however, it turned a bit wayward towards the end. As you can see, it has been quite an absence since my last entry. Towards the end of my posting, I was bombarded with so many unexpected and tragic incidents, that I was left breathless.

The last of my first call oncall was horrible..but it had served a lesson to remember since it had caught me off guard.

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"Hani, are you still following the rounds up there?" called Dr Saidon, the MO first call that day.

"Yes..is there a case at ED right now?" I asked

"YUP...when you're done, go to ED okay.." and abruptly ended the conversation.

I haven't done first calls for quite some time and the thought of having to rush down to ED after the rounds did not bode well with me.

.." Oh hani, there you are...This is a 76 year old chinese lady, who came with...." Dr saidon expained the case to me and subsequently asked me to administer the sedation.

The procedure was uneventful and successful. But before long, the oxygen saturation dropped suddenly. She was also unarousable.

The medical officer was alerted and soon the ED medical officer got involved. We rushed the patient to the Rhesus room and prepared for intubation.

ECG was done stat and it showed that there was ischemic changes.
She became asystole and we proceeded with CPR. Initially , the pulse was palpable, but before long, her BP crashed down once more. Inotropes were given, but it was to no avail.

The specialist also rushed to the scene. We proceeded with resuscitation until at last , we were ordered to stop the CPR. She was then pronounced dead secondary to cardiac arrest --> heart attack

I was numb. Speechless.. I could not comprehend what was happening. It was all so sudden. So fast.

How was the family going to take this? This morning she was still alive and well. She was breathing. She was walking and talking. and now..she is so still..

Verily, to Allah we will return

The specialist broke the news to the children. They were distraught but able to accept the fact. Yet, it was not so with me.. Since I was there throughout the whole predicament, until the very last breath, I was left weary and depressed.

Allah has it planned that I was so busy that day. Cases were pouring in. One after another, to the extent that I was unable to have any time to myself to think about what had happened.

The next day after the officer hours, I finally had the think to muhasabah back regarding what had happened the previous day.

I cried that night. I cried hard. I could not fathom why it had happened to me. I felt that I could not bring myself to go to work the next morning, but I could not do that to my colleague. It would be unfair.

This profession deals with lives. There cannot be a mistake, or else people will suffer. Many a times I feel that I could not cope with the kind of stress that surrounds me.

Verily, everything that happens has been planned by Allah. Prayers are very important to deal with the unexpected outcomes and circumstances that we have to deal with. Ya Allah, please forgive us in time of err ...