ZIKRULLAH

...ALLAH IS ALWAYS WITH US..ZIKRULLAH ..WHEREVER YOU ARE

pembentukan syakhsiyah

Pembentukan syaksiyah para dai’e ialah langkah pertama dalam skop pembinaan agama Islam, walau apapun uslub harakah dan manhaj amalnya.

Syaksiyah Islamiyyah tidak mungkin terbina dan sempurna kelahirannya selagi ia tidak terlepas dan pengaruh kesan kesan masyarakat Jahiliyyah dan dan dualisma penerimaan dan pengarahan.

Patut disebut di sini bahawa maksud pembinaan syaksiyah kamilah ialah pembentukan barisan
kepimpinan atau penyusunan hairaki keanggotaan di setiap peringkat yang dituntut bagi menghadapi penentangan jahiliyyah.

Sifat-sifat yang unggul yang perlu ada dalam syaksiyah Islamiyyah: —

Pertama:
Melepaskan pengaruh cara hidup Jahiliyyah sepenuhnya sama ada dalam perasaan, atau pemikiran dan konsep, atau amalan dan urusan.

Kedua:
Beriltizam dengan Islam dan hukum-hukumnya secara sepenuhnya dan menjadikannya paksi hidup, titik tolak berfikir pengkalan tasawwur dan punca hukum dalam setiap persoalan dan objek.

Ketiga:
Menganggap jihad pada jalan Allah sebagai matlamat asasi dan kewujudan kita. Di mana konsep ini memerlukan persiapan yang cukup untuk berkorban dengan segala sesuatu untuk mencapai tujuannya.

Hakikat yang tidak boleh dipertikaikan lagi bahawa manhaj dan uslub yang dipegang oleh harakah Islamiyyah belum mencapai peringkat yang mampu untuk membentuk syaksiyah Islamiyyah dan segi sifat dan ciri-cirinya. Pada realitinya apa yang dikemukakan oleh manhaj-manhaj ini tidak melebihi sebahagian kecil dan pengetahuan umum Islam dan pengarahan kerohanian atau akhlak yang tidak memampukan kita membentuk individu muslim yang dicita-citakan. Yang membolehkan seseorang itu berkeahlian sebagai ‘rajul al-Aqidah’ — tentera ‘aqidah yang beriman dan hidup untuk ‘aqidahnya mengorbankan sesuatu yang mahal dan berharga demi untuknya.

Posted by tarbiahpemuda at Thursday, October 30, 2008 ( from tarbiyahpewaris blogspot)

a thing to ponder

something that happened recently has made me really ponder...it's just a remark really...but something that is quite deep to me, I suppose.
Our department has its usual meeting, whereby all the Housemans, medical officers and specialists congregates and all the bashings would start.

After the usual putdown remarks of us being of low quality morale and how irresponsible we have acted and all the degrading what nots, he quipped that the world nowadays has this demeanor.

He commented that even some muslims (in malaysia) now have openly remarked to go against the majlis fatwa..this is concerning the yoga issue. (Sorry, personally, i dont really keep up with the latest news since i've started this posting). He says that this had not happened before and certainly would not have happened if we were in the old days. This is coming from a nonmuslim.
(he just wanted to illustrate that the current generation are those who consist of not just people who simply follow - probably we do have certain attitude, to some extent)

He actually knows that the majlis fatwa constitutes of a institute that is revered by Muslims, and we have to follow the rulings. Perhaps, it is commonsense, I suppose that the non muslims do understand to some extent that we do have our obligations to follow the fatwas given by the religious body.

HOwever, it is quite interesting to note that these kind of issues are to be though of by the nonmuslims..I mean, how do they view our situations, with many issues - the fatwas , the many ongoing conflict and stuff? Are our current situations deterring them from wanting to know islam?

I just hope that they dont get the wrong impression, as if we muslims are constantly picking up trivial stuff to make an issue of as opposed to trying to solve the real dilemmas that are enveloping us?
I do not mean that the yoga issue is trivial, mind you, I do wholly salute their stand since i do believe for any fatwas to be given, it has to be through those who care and have knowledge of the deen.
It's just that with the current situation and the state of muslims (especially that of our country, since i'm not well versed with other countries) - we are lacking far behind in terms of being the khayr ummah and to be examples to others.
Wallahu'alam..since i myself am far away from having the ciri2 of a mukmin, ..this is just a reminder to us all that as muslims we have a huge responsibility to carry out..not just to fulfill our everyday needs..

Revivalism of a lost hope

REVIVALISM OF A LOST HOPE
As we embark on a new day.. there are many infinite possibilities that hold open. A journey awaits us… These high hopes and optimism are held tightly by Moslems everywhere.
So many things and events that have happened that have stimulated the Moslems everywhere to rise once more.
I believe it so.. with every inch of my soul that soon the Moslems will rise again as the powerful state is was once…
Albeit so many hardships and sorrow that we have had to endure these recent times… yet it is of utmost important that we do go through those state…
How else can we appreciate the sovereignity and the beauty of our beloved religion…
No other religion has it so wonderful as Islam.. when it is stricken with so many grievous state..deplored of it’s high standing….there comes these honest souls that fight like no other… to protect the sanctity of our religion..
I have not seen so much energy and enthusiasm of the people like the fellow Moslems towards their religion when it is under fire..
My eyes plead with tears as I see them raging with anger when the beloved rasul’s image is being tarnished. Do you not see that, my kuffar friends? Even if we have embraced your way of life.. this little iman is still lit.. is still alive..even if it was beating ever so lightly..
Even if you have done all your might and all your power being put through to allude us..you can never put out the fire of Islam..
For we hold the Truth.. and Allah will always be on our side….
Yes.. I do agree we have lost so much in this battle… the strength that we possess pales in comparison to you.. but in the midst of these nothingness.. we hold the al-Qur’an .. the book like no other…
A book that holds the ultimate secret and the path to our upcoming victory..

To my beloved Moslems everywhere..

Arise once more as we have done in the past
Light the candle of glory
Shout with all your might
Of the call of the adzaan…

Hide no more
Behind that stonewall
Come out and do not deny
This call for battle

We need not
Those state of the art nuclear
The high tech weaponaries

The inside is the most important of all
Your iman and taqwa…
The tawakkal and honesty that is deeply ingrained within you
Is the greatest possession

We only win with the help of Allah

Life is full of surprises

Life is full of surprises…well, you can’t really say life per se…but Allah planned things to be like those you can’t really expect. I don’t know…it’s just that you never know what’s going to happen next..even though you tend to plan at times..mostly you don’t. though..But the thing is, it’s hard to know what’s next in your life.
Life is really full of tawakal ilallah…Only Allah holds your future..you can never grab ahold of it, even for a second.
With the science all in an uproar state..with all this canggih thingamajigs and stuff,...you tend to lose out a lot on faith. We have this canny ability to actually feel high above the creator sometimes. We’d never really say it at times, but you can see it..from how people act nowadays. It seems as if knowledge and going higher and achieving more advancement is the real gem in life. Nothing less, nothing more.
People just get this demented idea that that’s what life’s all about. Achievements & self galore. It’s always been like that, all through out the history. Ever since the time of nabi adam, I suppose. With the story of habil and qabil..just to proves us that’s it’s part of being a human. And the problem existed eversince forever I guess.
Maybe we don’t realize it, but in a way we do have that riak feeling in us. We feel as though that we were the one that cause some things to happen. We forget that everything happens with biiznillah. The only syarat to pass is that it must comes from Allah, never do we have the power to achieve anything lest Allah gives us the permission.
When people do lose out on the feeling of being weak, we tend to feel strong. We tend to feel like it’s up to us …everything is up to us. And we forgot the part that we are weak. When that happens..all hells break loose. I do mean that to be as grave as it sound.
Life lies in an intricate balance… needing some sort of a system to make it stay in that balance. When something happens, tipping the balance, life goes out of order.
And that’s something that we don’t’ want to see. But you know what, that thing is happening right now…in front of our very own eyes.
And the sad part is that we’re accepting that imbalance in life as if it’s something normal and not to consider that it is something out of the ordinary;.
We’re saying yes to all the stuff that’s not supposed to.
We’re adopting it part of our life.
We’re even propogating it to other people.
Even more tragic, we are becoming the generators of the imbalance of life.

And what is that imbalance of life, you might ask..
Well..look around you…I might answer
You see the clouds around you..
You see the night coming after the day..
The day after the night..
The sun giving off sunshine so that life can propogate

Still don’t understand?
Well, look harder still then..

You see how beautiful the clouds are..
So fluffy and white..
The sun..so yellow and oh so bright
The nighttime..
Full of eerie & gives off a feeling of something that might lurks around you
That can’t be the imbalance…everything looks so in order..

Yes..you are right..
It is in order..

And again, what is that imbalance then?
Well,…look at the people around you , I say..

I don’t dare to describe the people around me..
It’s full of vanity, materialism..and what nots..
Deception..lust..hedonism..
It’ s everywhere nowadays…

Dunya has resided in the hearts of many men…a disease worth mentioning..
A disease of which there’s only one cure..

And what might that cure be?
It’s really simple..really…
Okay…so let’s see then…
To cure the dirt that has tainted the hearts of men…
In other words to make it white again,..to clean it..
Using what?

A detergent of utmost potency..a drug of high efficacy..
Something that is above the duniya..
The akhirah….
Iman…
Faith…

Islam…Allah…

All these mentioned…sounds familiar?
But how does it reside it in your heart?
The akhirah as reminder that it’s the world we’re going to live in after death
Iman as a source of power…a divine power to guide you in this forsaken world
Faith..as a place to hold on to in this twisted earth
Islam as a system to live onto..to hold onto..to be guided with..the only way of life
Allah..As th most benevolent …highly esteemed ..highly merciful creator of us all…
To Him only we owe our life…
And with this do we owe our balance of life..

Pro Exam revisited

it finally ended....

Wednesday, 30 April, 2008 00:06

after 3 days of exam..we all finished ..on 24th to be exact..the next day, the results were officially announced. Unfortunately, one of our colleagues didn't make it..thus he has to take the retest which is scheduled for another 6 months..

it was one of the most distraught and nerve wrecking experience that i've ever been through,,preparing for the pro exam, that is..anything can come out..anything that we've learned for the past 3 years..

the exam is to determine whether we are going to graduate as doctors or not..even though i do feel that it is an unfair way to assess us, nevertheless, it's the road that we all have to take..

we all felt the palpitation for the exam ever since early of 5th year..its one of those dreaded day that we've to anticipate..the countdowns, the neverending warnings by the lecturers and what nots..

we were given 2 weeks for revision week which is of course not enough at all to cover the many aspects of medicine..but we were to do the impossible..try as much as we can cover.. the thing about medicine is that it's unpredictable..you can never be prepared for it..there's no real standard..it depends on the patient, and also the lecturers..different kind of approaches and different kind of expectations..

as i struggled through the revision week, it seemed as if it was hopeless to cover everything..i only managed to cover the ones that seemed important..that itself was not adequately covered,mind you..

as the day edges closer, the tension mounted..stress level were to an all time high..the heart beats rapidly and heavier..

some couldnot really sleep that well..some had awaken in the middle of the night trembling with fear ..dreaming of the exam day..some had loss of appetite..(but not my rommates & I though)..

one of the favorite phrases there was " dah jadi wanko ke blum?"\

it's quite funny to see how many different defense mechanisms that people have in response to stress..

and then the day arrives...tHE dAY!

it starts with theory part which consists of 4 differetn problem based questions from 4 different department..this time around we had from internal medicine which was diabetes mellitus & its complications, heart disease in pregnancy (obs & gyne), & psychiatry - bipolar mood disordre and lastly from surgery - gastric cancer..we had been allocated 2 hours in which every 20 minutes we were given questions in regards to the topic and after the 20 minutes, our papers were taken & another set of quetions beckons..

8:30- 10:30 - internal medicine & psychiatry ( 20 minutes per question)

11-1pm - surgery & obstetrics & gynecology

then proceed with osce..or in other word,,data & picture tests..now that one is one tricky questions..

here there are 20 stations in which each station has one set of picture & questions regarding the pic..we were given each 2 minutes per stations..

and guess what..many of the pics and also gadgets shown were something that i;ve never seen before..hah..

the nexst day was mcq or in our case, true false questions..we have 70 questions which was furtehr divided into 5 subquestions..so each paper of mcqs consisted of 350 subquestions..and it was negative marking..

that's not all..we have to do 2 sets of mcqs..so..in all 700 subquestions..

..it was so tiring..

and then the most dreaded part of all , which was of course the clinical examination...

i was scheduled on thursday..so i had one day of extra tijme..some of my friends had to go on wednesedaay..

for clinical part, we have long case & short case..for the long case, we were given one hour to be with the patient and then get the history & do physical examination..after the one hour, we were to be in front of 4 different lecturers and rpresented what we had clerked..in my case, i got the case of chronic immune throbocytopenic purpura...and guess what ..it was one of the cases that i did not read coz i didn;t htink that it was importnat...hah..but alhmdulillah..i did do a report on the case previously..so it was not a total zero..

i had to present in front of a paeditrician, a surgeon, obs & gyna specialist & pharmacist...it was quite okey kot..not sure..

then proceed with short cases..we have to do 3 short cases in 30 minutes..so each case we were allocated 10 minutes..which also included the dicssion..i got a case of breech(baby songsang), gouty hand & pleural effusion..so during this session, we are suppposed to show the lecturers how we perform the physical examination..quickly and the proper technique..i alsmot failed in oneof the case, i think..

the thing about clinical part is that because it does not reflect your true self..who wouldn't be scared if so many lecturers are looking meticulously at how you perform..it's really of a on the spot thing..we have to keep cool even tho9ugh deep down inside we were really 'kecut perut"...

and after 2 hours of exam..then it was all over..i cuoldn't believe it..after all those years of toils & torture..it had finally ended..and so quickly...it was like as if in a rush...

apabila dunia menjadi buruan

ana slalu tringat akan serangkap lirik dari sebuah nasyid favourite iaitu antara 2 cinta nyanyian "the zikr"

"leraikanlah dunia yang menghinggap di dalam hatiku"......

ana slalu dengar kaset tu di kala on the way pergi dan pulang ke hospital yang mngambil lebih kurang 30 minit perjalanan...itu adalh juga antara koleksi kaset2 nasyid yang serba sedikit yang ana miliki..yang lain tu ana rasa dari kak nabilah yang tertinggal dalam kereta (nabilah, nanti ambik blk ek kaset2 tu) ana sewaktu zaman era persekolahan di Kuantan..

Bila sampai saja pada rangkap itu, ana terasa terkesan sangat pada jiwa ini...sesungguhnya berat sangat ungkapan itu bila dihayati..

Apakah kesannya apabila dunia ini menjadi buruan? Apabila redha Allah bukan lagi matlamat kita? apabila ia hanya menjadi suatu KATA-KATA tapi BUKAN YANG SEBENARNYA?

kenapa ana risau? sebab apabila ana muhasabah diri kembali...ana menyoal diri kembali..apakah yang ana kejarkan sebenarnya? apa yang ana fahami - selama ni melalui sistem pentarbiyyahan...apakah yang ana kejar dari proses itu? adakah sebenarnya ana mengejar untuk berada dalam sistem itu secara fizikal..yakni seronok bersama rakan2 sefikrah, untuk menenangkan jiwa kembali di kala berada bersama dengan realiti dunia yang mengasyikkan... namun ana belum lagi melalui sistem pentarbiyyahan yang total iaitu menyerahkan untuk memproses kan diri..iaitu mindsetting tarbiyyah - di mana segala aspek kehidupan untuk diproses DI MANA SAHAJA ANA BERADA.. bukan di kala bersama rakan sefikrah iaitu di kala program formal..

sekarang sudah 3 bulan ana bekerja..boleh dikatakan stress kerja itu sendiri makin lama bolehlh di handle, dgn izin Allah..mmg ada kalanya kita rasa up dan ada kalanya kita tewas dgn ujian..tapi ana slalu tewas dlm mindsetting tarbiyyah itu sendiri..terasa kecewa di mana setelah 5 tahun kita di asuh dlm sistem tarbiyyah ini, ana belum mampu lagi untuk mnterjemahkn dlm kehidupan..

Apabila kita melihat suasana kehidupan kita sekarang...kita sgt perlu untuk hidupkn kembali untuk relate apa saja yang berlaku pada Allah..

Ana berkesempatan untuk menjaga pesakit kanak2 yang menghidap penyakit "end stage renal disease" di mana fungsi buah pinggang mereka sudah lagi tidak lagi seperti normal dan memerlukan external help untuk menggantikan peranan buah pinggang. Mereka ini memerlukan "hemodialysis" dan juga "peritoneal dialysis" samada setiap hari atau 3 kali seminggu. Sekiranya tidak, mereka akan dapat lebihan air dalam badan kerana tak mampu untuk untuk mengeluarkn air tersebut, tekanan darah yang sangat tinggi atau kandungan electrolytes dlm badan menjadi tak normal dan seterusnya menyebabkn kesan2 sampingan yang sgt bahaya pada pesakit itu.

dan yang paling muda adalah hanya berumur dlm 5 tahun..

ini adalah bukti kekuasaan Allah di mana sebenarnya kita semua amat lemah..dan sangat memerlukan padanya..mereka diuji sebegitu..adakah kita mampu untuk menerima ujian seberat itu..

namun..selalu ana lupa untuk mengkaitkan semua itu kepada Allah..hanya menganggap ia sebagai penyakit dan pesakit..bukan musibah atau mad'u..atau suatu peringatan pada diri yang selalu alpa..

Welcome to O&G

2345H

12/11/08

Day 5 of O&G tagging

9 more days to go..

Currently I’m in obstetrics and gynaecology (O&G) posting…Day 5 of life..

But in reality, I haven’t really started work per se..i’m still tagging

For those who are not familiar with the tagging system, let me just brief you a bit … during our housemanship, we have 6 rotations – for each rotation we have about 4 months. So, every time we go to a new rotation/department, we have to be the trainees before we are really accepted into the department, so to speak.

It’s an observation period, whereby you learn the ropes before starting to work.

During my paediatric posting, I had about less than one week of tagging, which means, in less than a week, you’ve got to know how to handle the job.

However, for O&G, it’s a bit longer. I was told that previously the new houseman had EOD calls (every other day/selang sehari) on calls. I don’t really know which is the better system, but at least for oncalls, you get to claim, which does not hold the same for the current system of tagging.

This current system of tagging, in which I’m doing right now – starts from 7.30am (rightfully at 7am) until 12 am everyday for two weeks ( if you don’t get extended, that is)

Thus, starting last week until next week, I’ve to stay in the hospital (not to feel the ray of sunshine) from morning until midnight.

After a while, it sort of gets to you, - easily tired and irritable

Day in and day out – the labor room/ward/deliveries after deliveries

I know our niat has to be pure and ikhlas lillahita’ala…honestly I don’t mind that much..it’s just that after 5 days being cooped in the hospital, a little bit of sunlight would help..

During my first tagging day, I’ve already had to assist in Manual removal of placenta in the ooperation theater..witness episiotomies and of course deliveries.

I wasn’t confident enough as to actually conduct deliveries tho0ug, added with the exasperated feeling in which we couldn’t get the weekend off – just makes you feel less wanting to be a in a pressured situation.

I must say that during delivery, there is high action and pumping with adrenaline.

Although, I ‘m a bit saddened by the event that sometimes I fail to correlate the situation with Allah. How I actually fail to appreciate that this process, in which Allah has bestowed on us to go through has much lesson in it to learn

However, one thing that has struck me deep during my tagging days so far, is that it is important for us to learn. It is imperative for us to learn to do something right, which I feel is very much reelevent in all field – regardless which occupation you hold

And to appreciate teachers – whoever that they may be. I really am grateful that the jururawat masyarakat and also staff nurses at the ward who lended their time and patience to teach us housemans.

Since tagging, the feelings of inadequacies always surround us. It is the time where we put ourselves to be slaughtered in front of everyone – and to learn and to be taught by whomever feel obliged to do so.

Everytime we conduct deliveries/do procedures we are certain to make mistakes and in front of the whole staff to witness. The feeling of shyness must be put aside. The sensitivity are at loss or else you might suffer great psychological consequences as a result.

May Allah give us the strength to continue our ibadah as His humble slaves…

• p.s. have to stop right now and prepare for sleep as tomorrow will be another long day..

Wassalam..

azhani

GEneral paediatrics

October 2008

Sometimes our aspirations do not come out as what we had planned it to be. While I was in NICU, I had longed to be out of the ward and be posted to the general paediatrics. Probably it was because of the specialist that had frighten me out of my wits.

Now, when I’ve arrived to the general ward, suffice to say that it is not as merry as it had been painted. It starts all over again, that is to become blank as a board as I had been 2 months ago. The first two weeks were a bit harrowing, to say the least. On my 2^nd day of work, I had to whisk of my patient to Sg Buloh Hospital. Without any preparation, I had to take this congenital heart disease patient and monitor her condition lest anything should happen. She was due for her neurological checkup at the neuro clinic. My hospital doesn’t have any neurosurgical unit for paediatrics. (that is what I understood, or else they would have simply refer to the department)

I was chosen to accompany this patient because I was already trained in regards of neonatal resuscitation. She has history of fitting, and this demands for a person who has been trained in resuscitation in case that she should fit during the trip.

Now, being trained and actually have done in the aspect of intubation is two totally different aspect. I myself have never intubated a baby before during my days in NICU, it has always been the job of the MO. All this while, alhamdulillah, those babies that were born flat initially recovered well after positive pressure ventilation have been given. And everytime a baby was delivered flat, I would urgently call my MO for help. I would definitely not allow myself to handle to situation myself. Babies are very fragile and unstable, to say the least. One minute, they can look normal, not in respiratory distress and suddenly develop grunting, with tachypnea and recession. Oxygen saturation would hover around less than 90% and definitely we would panic. To date, I think I have admitted about 4 babies to NICU because their oxygen saturation was less than 90%. Even though, sometimes they look comfortable and no signs of respiratory distress were present.

Even more frightening, was a case discharged by my friend during neonatal screening but after 20 minutes of arrival at home, the baby had died. I did not further investigate regarding the case, so I cannot comment further. It was said that the baby had undiagnosed congenital heart condition. I cannot blame my friend, because after having done screening many times, I feel that sometimes it was not that clear cut in regards of picking up the murmurs, especially if it the heart defect was small.

“Kepada Allahlah kembalimu, dan Dia Maha Kuasa atas segala sesuatu” (Huud :4)

“Sesungguhnya Tuhan kamu ialah Allah Yang menciptakan langit dan bumi dalam enam hari, kemudian Dia bersemayam di atas ‘Arasy untuk mengatur segala urusan. Tiada seorangpun yang akan memberi syafa’at kecuali sesudah ada keizinanNya. (Dzat) yang demikian itulah Allah, Tuhan kamu, maka sembahlah Dia. Maka apakah kamu tidak mengambil pelajaran?” ( Yunus:3)

Doa to Allah is the single most important tool that all of us need, for we are never in control of our destiny. We can definitely try our best to and it is what Allah intends us to do, but in the end, the ultimate power that determines the outcome is Allah.

Terms:

NICU – neonatal intensive care unit

Wad instensif untuk bayi2 yang berumur kurang dari sebulan

MO – medical officer

Pegawai perubatan yang dah habiskan houseman training dan di register bawah MMC. (fully registered as doctors)

Fit – sawan

Intubate – memasukkan tiub kedalam rongga pernafasan utk disambungkan pada oxygen untuk membantu proses pernafasan

Reference ayat2 al-Quran:

Al-Quran dan terjemahnya , Rasm Uthmani

Excerpt from a newbie doc

The first 2 months of working --> Paediatric posting

Transition:

It has been an endeavor, to say the least, of what has happened since the past 2 months. Many a times, I feel as though this line of work is definitely not suited for me. I believe also that this feeling has cropped inside the minds of many of my peers indeed.

From a medical student to a doctor, the thin line that crosses between the two stages of life is an intricate one , I must say. Full of torment and misery. Yet, this is not true to some extent though, such as in the case of yours truly. Even if I might say that I am suffering, but in truth, some of my other friends have it worse, much worse.

Currently I’m posted in paediatrics, whereby, they say it’s one of the most relaxing posting of them all. However, for a person such as myself, who has trouble in terms of adjusting myself in a new situation, even in the least stressful of event, it can seem worse.

I had prayed to be placed in a hospital in which I would be happy to be working in it and also close to somewhere that would enable me to still be a part of the tarbawi community. Alhamdulillah Allah had granted me to be in Hospital ---. insyaAllah so far it has been welcoming, to say the least. I am still able to follow the weekly kuliah over there, albeit not full, but still possible. If I’m not oncall, I can still join the weekly halaqah..that also includes if I’m not postcall..

Let me just put it in chronological order, so that we might be able to see the flow.

During the 1^st week, which is the week of tagging..of course, it felt horrible. To see the new setting and to have the actual realization that I am to be working in a white coat society and surrounded by neverending admissions is quite distressing indeed.

In truth, I still felt like I was a medical student..but of a lesser quality. To be called a doctor, was far from the truth, it felt like. Useless, is the term that much qualified to be associated with.

It’s as if I’m bounded make endless mistakes. From the very simple tasks to the more complicated ones. Followed by that mistakes is of course, the never ending scrutiny by the ABOVE ones..the SPECIALISTS..

What I’ve gathered so far is that I’m not one is well versed in clerkwork and regarding the medicolegal stuff. I like medicine, as in the essence of medicine itself. However, in real life, there is no such thing as medicine as a study by itself. Medicine, is part and parcel of human life. Undoubtedly, it was first being studied since it was important as to know how to treat the sickness that overpowers us.

The things that they do not teach us in medical school are indeed vast. It is in fact, a very different setting from the learning scenario that we are accustomed to. I think more importantly is that they ought to train the medical students as how they would in the end become a good houseman.

Pardon me, I think I have brought myself outside the topic. I plan to just equip you all with the knowledge of how the setting is so far.

The first month was also distressing. Imagine yourself, being on the job for the first time. In a different setting from what you have been used to all your life. To be working with people, much much older than you. Yet, at the same time, in rank, you are above them. Hence, you are the one held responsible. It is a sad state indeed. To not know anything, yet be in charge of it.

However, in truth, so far the staff have been very cooperative. Just a certain few who does pose some problem. But, it is a minor one indeed. It’s just an overwhelming situation for someone like me, I suppose.

Lo and behold..it’s already been 2 months since I first stepped into NICU.. and again..surprise surprise..still doing many mistakes as always.. I really don’t know what is wrong with me..I don’t know how to become more efficient. It’s like I’m certained to become a klutz until the end.

kasih sayang

di manakah sikap kasih sayang kita?

Perasaan kasih sayang dan lemah lembut sesama insan adalah suatu sifat yang amat penting dalam sistem kehidupan kita..Secara teorinya mungkin ia nampak sangat simple atau suatu benda yang sgt straightforward..
Akan tetapi..adakah ia suatu benda yang dipraktikkan di kalangan masyarakat kita..

Bukannya saya hendak menyatakan keburukan di tempat di mana saya bertugas sekarang...
namun apa yang ingin saya ketengahkn di sini ialah ia nya telah menjadi suatu yang asing dari masyarakat kita sekarang.

Apabila saya mula melihat dunia luar dan become more exposed to the real world, apa yang dapat rasakan ialah betapa hostile nya the world outside.
bukan lagi "innocent" seperti mana kita pada zaman sekolah..

It is now that i realize that the feeling of "selfish" as opposed to "selfless" is more apparent.
I am saddened by the fact that sometimes patients are maltreated.in my case in fact, taking care of the labor room, the patients are not "patients' per se..they are not people who are sick..they are people are about to go into a beautiful stage of life, which is chilbirth..

I am very much opposed to the fact that these pregnant ladies are subjected to hostile treatment.. especially those are primigravida..(pregnant for the first time)..


we must be very caring and supportive to these expectat mothers..imagine our own mothers/sisters/relatives/ and even ourselves going through this stage...
would we want them or us to be subjected to maltreatment..definitely not..
It is always like that..if it's for us..we would always want the best..lest we forget Allah's reminder to be kind always..to uphold the concept of melebihkan org lain ...

I very much believe the cause of this problem is in fact because we have strayed far from what has been taught by Islam...

many of us muslims, including myself, are deluded into believing that our deen is just restricted to ibadah..
many of us in fact, believe that being a good muslim is someone who is diligent in their ibadah and wear the certain clothing...

That is just part of islam..not wholly..as islam is not just a religion..it is a way of life...

Rasulullah ..our prophet was brought as a teladan for us as to lead our life..he led an exemplary life...whereby he showed us practically how to lead our life...

If we take a look at the hadith/sunnah and the sirah..we can see that this noble man led a life like us normal beings...he had feelings..he had his needs..he ate..he slept..he wept ..he bled..he cried..he married..he was a father..he was a businessman..he was a husband..he was a neighbor..he was an orphan..he was a leader...he was a human being..but a being with noble characters..who was chosen by our God as a person who is to be an example to others...

His akhlaq..as stated by aishah r.a. was like a "quran bergerak" the translation of quran, in other words...

And islam came to sempurnakan our akhlak...our characters..and that is what the root of all evils right now..because we fail to understand this part of deen..which is a very big part indeed...our akhlak...

May Allah show us the right path...

harakah islamiah

Peranan harakah islamiah dlm dnt..
Kini, gerakan jemaah haraki bkn lg suatu perkara yg asing di dunia ipta. Kebangkitan jemaah plg kuat terasa di Malaysia, pd lingkungan 70-80’an di mana kita melihat pada adanya surge of Islamic revivalism in Malaysia. Di situ, (mengikut biografi tokoh gerakan di Malaysia ini) kelihatan bibit2 kecintaan trhdp isu islami. Contohnya, kita melihat adanya perkembangan nombor dr mereka yg mula memakai tudung. IPTA pd ketika itu menjadi tempat penyebaran dakwah ini. Manusia ketika itu baru mula sedar dari tidur yg panjang lena.
Pada ms itu juga, tekanan trhdp this new revivalism was at its greatest. Namun, ternyata tekanan yg dikenakan tlh brjaya utk repress the ongoing revivalism. Persoalannya, apakah kekuatan pd ms tu blm lg kuat utk menangkis serangan yg bertubi?
Di manakah silapnya?kalau kita meneliti pd ms tu, blh dikatakan smgt mereka sgtlh kuat.
Kita tinjau pula suasana ipta pasca era 90’s dan kini pd zaman millennium. Kita tidak blh nafikan bahawasanya kemodenan yg dikecapi skrg adalah suatu benda yg blh dikatakan way beyond what we thought we could do before. Yes, I do agree to some extent that the modernization has helped the country in many aspects, as to refer to the education and the economic aspect. Yes, again regarding the professionalism, Malaysia have been able to produce laden of professionals..many degree holders. That is one feat that is not to look down upon.
Tapi cuba kita meneliti suasana sekarang dgn lebih kritis..dgn minda yg lebih terbuka & iman yg hidup.
Walaupun scr eksterior kita melihat Malaysia adalah suatu negara yg democratic, aman, progressive & ‘islamic’ to some extent.
Tapi adakah keadaan negara kita skrg menepati ciri2 syariah islamiah yg sbnrnya?jika tidak, sejauh manakah kita tlh lari dr landasan yg sebenar?

Memandangkn saya masih lagi seorang student, yg blm lg menempuh alam pekerjaan & kehidupan luar yg lagi challenging..
Saya hanya blh menilai dari kaca mata seorang student…
Pada awal penulisan ini, I’ve mentioned regarding the gerakan jemaah haraki di kampus..now, I would like to again reiterate the peranan it plays in the campus.
Jika dulu kita lihat mereka yg menganggotai jemaah ini adalah mereka yg menjadi penggerak..yg bersuara lantang menegakkan kebenaran..yg menjdkn kampus suatu medan utk bergerak..kini suasana itu tidak lagi kelihatan.
Kini..dan selamanya..para pelajar terlalu sibuk memikirkan bab2 study..iaitu segulung ijazah yg menjadi rebutan..cita2 menggunung..1st class honors..and what nots..again, I must stress that I am not against it at all..i believe wholeheartedly that as a muslim, we must strive our best..regardless in what field.
Tapi I cannot help it but feel disappointed, to say the least. Dlm kesibukan kita mencapai cita2, kita tlh melupakan matlamat kita yang sebenar..
Kita tlh meninggalkan tugas kita yang unggul & membiarkan Islam dicemari begitu sahaja.
Jika suatu ketika dahulu IPT menjadi penyebar fikrah islami yg berjaya, kini ia hanyalah suatu institusi utk mndptkn segulung ijazah..bkn utk membina kefahamn yg lebih mendalam & luas. Namun, saya tidak menafikan bhwsanya masih lagi ada nadi yg bergerak dlm kampus itu, tapi nadi itu terlalu lemah utk revive the entire body that is too weak.

Usaha2 murni yg tlh dilakukan oleh our previous predecessors, in terms of building the Islamic environment within our society, yet cannot compete with the ever expanding jahiliyah empire.
And again I ask, where did we go wrong?
Skrg tlh muncul byk gerakan islamiah..yg berdaftar & yg x brdftar...kolej2 islam, ratusan sekolah agama, menengah atau rendah..tapi kita lihat juga perkembangan jahiliyah yg juga begitu menakjubkan. For every Islamic things that have cropped up, there’s bound to be in place of it svrl times more of the Jahiliah things.
Apakah institusi2 islam yg dibina tidak mencukupi?bknkah ribuan graduan Islamic studies that are generated each year? Adakah nombor2 ini tidak memadai?
Bukan kah bilangan masjid/surau/madrasah makin brtambah for each year?
Namun..persoalannya, what is the matter?

Gerakan harakiah pada masa kini, jika kita teliti, dr segi numbernya it seems to be impressive..tp cuba kita lihat dari segi kualiti..

Apakah mereka yg menganggotai gerakan itu memahami apakah tugas/peranan mereka?Ini juga merupakan masalah utama yg menghambat perjalanan suatu gerakan. Kita lihat kini ramai yg mengikuti system usrah atau prog2..namun apakah mereka memahami apakah konsep di sebalik usrah itu?ia bkn sekadar pertemuan biasa, di mana kita hanya mendengar & berkata2 smata..
Kini menjadi virus kpd suatu gerakan islamiah di mana ahli2 trasa ‘comfortable’ bila masa tlh join sesuatu Jemaah. Ikut program is just a preparation..the real challenge & the ultimate aim of the gerakan is to hasilkn para du’at. Bilamana masa seseorang itu tlh memahami tugasnya utk berperanan sbg seorang dai’e ilallah barulah dinamakn ia benar2 menganggotai sesebuah jemaah islam itu. Ini adlh kerana sesebuah jemaah islam yg sebenar adlh yg mencontohi jemaah Rasulullah & para sahabat. Iaitu suatu jemaah dakwah yg hidup dari prinsipnya..inilah baru blh dikatakan benar2 suatu jemaah harakiah islamiah.

Slh satu problem yg dialami oleh para anggota jemaah harakiah adalh mereka yg tidak mempunyai kefahaman yg mndlm ttg alquran & sunnah ttp bersemangat utk mnjadi para amilin. Kita tahu bhw ilmu adalh sgt pntg bg mereka yg ingin menjadi para duat..ilmu dari segi agama & juga aspek psikologi amatlh penting.

Bukan setakat itu, para duat kini perlu menjadi mereka yg berfikiran kritikal. Tidak memadai setakat mereka mengikut proses tanpa memahami hakikat di sebaliknya. Rukun faham, seperti yg digariskn oleh ust Hassan al Banna, adalh suatu prinsip yg kita perlu ada & contohi.

Tetapi ada juga yg terlalu mengagungkn prinsip haraki tp tidak menghalusi tradisi Hadith & sunnah. Prinsip haraki mempunyai dasar yg didapati drp kitab alquran & juga sunnah..jika para duat tidak teliti dr konsep ini, mereka akan terpengaruh dgn prinsip haraki tanpa memahami apakah dasar yg mnjadi tonggak kpd sesebuah prinsip itu..
Jadi, gerakan pencinta sunnah & gerakan harakiah tidak blh dipisahkan..malah sgt perlu utk digabungkan pada ketika ini..

Jika dulu, jahiliah & juga islam jelas nampak perbezaannya..bertudung atau tidak..clubbing/masjid..tapi kini kita mengalami suatu krisis identity yg amat serius di mana islam & jahiliah telah merge together..the thin line between jahiliah & islamik has somehow able to allude many muslims.
After many years of struggle of the Islamic revivalism some 30 years ago..we have come to this mixed culture.

Kini tlh muncul trend2 jahiliyah yg berunsurkan islamik..sms2 ‘tazkirah’ di klgn para pndkwah muslimah & muslimin, konsep nasyid ‘cinta’ dan sebagainya. Terbaru, kita lihat fesyen busana muslimah di mana fesyen trsebut ada kalanya tidak menepati ciri2 yg sbnrnya..
To say the least..islamik pada luarnya..but the essence is not.
Dan persoalan skrg apakah peranan gerakan islam dlm menangani mslh ini? Bagaimanakah harus perjalanan kerja kita skrg utk menangani mslh2 ini?

Sibuk...smmgnya prkataan itu merupakan suatu perkataan yg mmpunyai meaning yg sgt deep..
sbb dlm kehidupan ini..yg begitu sngkt..kita mmg sibuk..tp apakah jenis sibuk yg kita hadapi?
ini adalah skdr perkongsian..sbb bila blk rumah ..mak ana selalu sebut yg ayah sgt sibuk..
jadi mnybbkn ana sering berfikir..apakah yg mnybbkn kita sibuk di dunia ni?skiranya seseorg itu tdk mmpunyai fikrah yg jelas dlm kehidupan ini..kita mudah utk jd 'sibuk' ..tp dlm urusan duniawi..
kdg2 kesibukn itu mnybbkn kita sering lupa ttg matlamat kita sebenar..iaitu yg kita perlu sibukkn diri dgn ubudiyyah kpd Allah..
walaupun pd awalnya kita mgkn berniat baik & ikhlas melaksanakn sesuatu perkara itu krn Allah..namun..bila dh lama & leka..seringkali diri ini terlupa hakikat itu..cthnya menuntut ilmu..apatah lagi bilamana lecturer tu yg gertak kita..lps tu terus lh kita 'sibuk' membaca..tp apakah niat itu atas dasar lecturer semata2 atau keikhlasan..wallahu'alam..
ana suka bergaul & mncari pngalamn dr org..kdg2 kita blh melihat gelagat manusia ..apakah priority mrk dlm hidup..apakah yg dikejar oleh mereka?apa yg di'sibuk'kn mrk?
ada yg sibuk dgn pljrn..ada yg dgn pasangan mrk..ada yg mncari hiburan stlh stress dgn pljrn..jadi sibuk dgn shopping,cd, & wayang

& bila masa cuti pula..klu kita lihat di TV pun, mmg saluran astro sentiasa 'sibuk' dgn rancangan..berpuluh2 channel..beratus2 program..

as a conclusion..dunia ini adalh smntara..tp smntara kita di dunia ini..we have to be very wise in choosing our kesibukan..kemanakh masa kita perlu digunakan?sbb out there there are so many ways to sibukkan diri..tp in the end..what matters most is that kesibukan that will have its effect in the end..iaitu in the Akhirah..sibukkanlh diri anda utk Allah..

Wallahua'lam..

PROSES

it has almost been 7 years since we have entered the higher institute..2 years of matriculation & 5th year of undergraduate..

and that's how it is..our life..our kehidupan..stlh habis sistem persekolahan ..kita mengorak langkah ke institusi yg lebih tinggi..sehingga akhirnya kita akan 'graduate'..

Namun di sini apa yang hendak saya tekankan ialah proses di mana drp seorang pelajar kepada seorang graduan..
kalau kita ambil sistem medical school...the process takes about 6-7 years..mgkn course lain tempohnya berbeza..
the process yg saya maksudkn di sini adalah bermaksud utk melengkapkn diri kita sehingga berkelayakn utk menyandang jawatn yg ditugaskan nanti..spnjg kita berada di institusi pendidikan itu merupakan tempoh dimana kita diproses..

Sekiranya kita gagal utk melalui proses ini dengan sebaiknya...kita gagal utk mndpt sijil @ trpksa samada mengulangi subjek itu @ extend ..dlm ertikata lain ..kita belum blh graduate.. & with that thought & understanding in mind.. maka bersungguh2lah para siswa& siswi menelaah pelajrn mrk..

Di sini ingin saya kaitkn pula dgn satu lagi proses yg tidak kurang pentingnya..
proses inilah yg diambil mudah & sering dilupakan oleh ramai orng..trmsklh diri ini..
ingin saya ingatkan bhwsanya kita juga berada dlm sebuah lg institusi pendidikan..iaitu pendidikan tarbiyyah..

Dan proses yg saya maksudkn td adalah proses utk pendidikan tarbiyyah..

sepertimana kita mempunyai silibus & juga lecturers..& ..menelaah peljaran & juga praktikalnya utk institusi pendidikan skrg..begitu jua utk pendidikan tarbiyyah..
objektif sistem ini adalah utk mendpt redha Allah..syllabus nya trmaktub dlm Al-Quran& sunnah..lecturers nya adalah murabbi..& naqib/ah..

Proses ini sgt penting bagi memastikan kita benar2 memahami tugas kita sebagai seorang Muslim..hamba Allah. supaya kita dpt dibekalkn dgn ilmu, akhlaq & juga ukhuwwah..demi mnjayakn misi kita yg sebenar..tp ini tidak bermakna sekadar mngharap dari utk diberi..seharusnya..kita mengejar & mencari bekalan ini..& sentiasa ingat bahawa kita berada dlm proses Tarbiyyah.

Proses ini memerlukan hati & iman yg bersih..kesungguhan & komitmen yg tinggi..& kerana sesungguhnya proses ini akan berlangsung sehingga ke akhir hayat..long life education..

tapi..apakah kita benar2 memahami hakikat ini? adakah kita telah benar2 meletakkan diri kita utk diproses sepenuhnya?

sesungguhnya ini adlh peringatn buat diri sndri yg sering kelalaian..
Wallahu'alam..

(October 2008)

Currently i;m in my 3rd month of work..i've started working officially on 8/7/08.it's amazing how you can still do lots of mistakes even though it's been that long.

I'm in my paediatrics posting,..general paediatric, to be exact. Before this i was posted for 2 months in NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). The two places are totally different, in terms of management, yet they're still in the same department.

Neonatal is defined the period since birth until 1 month of age. Above that age, babies would get admitted in the general paediatric ward.

NICU is quite an interesting place, to say the least. Throughout my student years , i've only been to NICU once , that is only less than an hour. Then all of a sudden, my FIRST POSTIng is there..i was quite shocked. I've never been really good at poking patients to get their blood, unfortunately..and now..i have to poke neonates..whereby you can hardly see the veins..HOw is it possible to actually poke them???
or so i thought..

but..as time passes by, it's actually easier to poke neonates as compared to adults. Surprisingly the veins are quite visible, however, it's very thin..so you really have to focus when you'er maneuvering the needle.
(sorry that the fist matter i have to bring about is regarding taking bloods -- it's actually one of the most important job that we have to do as houseman..We have to be very efficient in taking bloods -- the quicker the better)

Most cases in NICU involves taking care of premature babies ( which are babies born before 37 completed weeks of gestation) ..in normal gestation - for ladies out there and those who are already married --> we count as 40 weeks as the expected date of delivery. That means that usually we count the day that we expect the baby to come out after 40 weeks of pregnancy. that's how they get the date..there;s actually a formula how to get date, but better not to get to that detail.

anyway, at this hospital, they admit babies who are born less then 34 weeks of age and birth weight of less than 1.8 kg. The youngest baby that i've ever helped admit is a 23 weeks old baby. (about less than 6 months of pregnancy)..he's about 700 gram!!

He's actually surviving until now.actually, the doctors didn't think that he'd make it ..but Allah is Most Powerful..wahuwa a'la kulli shay ing qaadir..

My specialist -- or actually the consultant at NICU is only 36 years old! i couldn't believe he's that young..that means that he had studied all the way from --taking masters and then subspecialty-- non stop.

I work mostly with chinese doctors. Both my specialists at nicu are chinese.All my MO (medical officers -- the doctors who are seniors than houseman) - are chinese..yet all the HO (house officers a.k.a houseman) are malays..in fact the staff nurses too.
There are about 4 MO's at NICu - and 6 HO's..which is quite a luxury, actually.

not many department can have that many doctors working for them at one time,, actually.

Howevder, all the MOs are such darlings to work with! They are sooo nice and helpful..

but being in NICu is quite an experience..especially during oncalls..i remember my first oncall - i didn't get to sleep..coz there was a case we had to handle until almost 3 am..then i had to start getting the bloods for investigation. Usually the rule there is to settle blood taking by 6 am...that night, being my first oncall and about 5 patients i have to take blood from...i started early..at about 4 am ..i also had to do otehr procedures -- so i tried to settle those early.. i think i finished at about 6 am..
unfortunately from thw investigations -- some of it i didn't tell the MO. i didnt; know the urgency at the time..so i shrugged it off..

hm..woe is me when in the end, one of the babies, had disturbed electrolyte values in which he had to be corrected ealrier..but i was not able to realize the problem..and the baby had to be reintubated..i was so shocked that the next day i went home directly(after work) and the rest can be told by my parents..

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GENTLEMAN...

Di sini saya nk kongsi ttg peribadi seorang yang saya sgt kagumi..
dlm proses kita untuk melahirkn perwatakan islami..kdg2 contohnya juga lahir dari seorang yg scr hakikatnya tidak mmpunyai kfhmn deen ini...

saya sgt terkesan dgn seorg professor ini..dia adalh seorg yg non-muslim..
namun perwatakannya sgt halus..dia sgt menghormati org lain..tp hakikatnya dia adalah seorang specialist..
namun..saya yang dikira sbg jauh di bawah dr segi hierarki..hanya sbg houseman..dia masih mnghormati ..sehingga kan dia yang bukakan pintu dan mempelawa akk masuk dahulu..

setiap kata2nya penuh dgn kata2 yg memberangsangkn - kepada pesakit dan juga doktor2 HO.. sgt prihatin trhadp pesakit di bawah jagaannya..

kdg2 ini tidak kelihatan pada saudara seislam kita..perwatakan yang kdg2 kita bawa tidak menunjukkan keindahan islam..

ssungguhnya islam ini sgt mementingkn akhlak yang baik dan terpuji..
RAsulullah yang tercinta mempunyai akhlak yang amat terpujji..

sedih juga apabila mmkrkn kdg2 org2 islam yang tidak memahami hakikat ini..mrk menganggap bhw yg islamik itu bergantung kpd betapa byknya ibadah / atau pakaian semata --> dan disempitkan lagi dgn kopiah/songkok bagi lelaki & tudung labuh /jubah bagi perempuan..namun dari segi syakhsyiah nya krg di ambil kira

saya bukanlh org yg sesuai utk berckp ttg syakhsyiah.. jauh sama skali..
tp saya sgt tertawan dgn kebaikan perwatakan professor itu..& sedih bila mmkrkn bahawa seorang yg sebaik ini tidak nmpk akan kebaikan islam..

sekiranya dia mengetahui hakikat islam sbg agama yang penuh dgn kehormatan, kelembutan dan keindahan nescaya dia akan juga tertarik..

namun di sekeliling kita, tidak byk yg dpt mmberi contoh yg sbnrnya...

wallahu'alam. .

MEMOIRS OF THE MUJAHIDEEN IN PALESTIN..

MAY ALLAH BLESS THEIR SOULS

MAY ALLAH RECEIVE THEM AS SYAHID IN JANNAH

MAY WE ALL FOLLOW IN THEIR FOOTSTEP

memoirs from yesteryears of students life

15/2/2007 (4th year posting - anaest)

ookay...yesterday was one of my triumphant moment..i actually intubated a patient..intubation is a process whereby we insert a tube that is attached to a ventilating machine where the patient is paralyzed in general anaesthesia..for a patient to undergo operation.i must say i was so so scared and my hand wasn't stable and kept on shaking..the patient was unconscious, and theoreticaly it sould be relatively easy since the muscle is relaxed and the patient isn't fighting you as you insert the tube inside the the patiennt's mouth.i had to do it in front of the whole staff of nurses, surgeons and also a lot of anaestheticcians'.. of course i fumbled.. but of course i was undersuperiviosn of a specialist..so she helped me a lot..i really don't like being in the operation theater..it's so daunting and yiou feel like a speck of nothing among them..especially since you're a student..where you can do nothihng that can help them..what you can do is irritate them..and become a sitting duck waiting for any nice doctors to come and at least recognize that you're in dire need of help..last night i went on call..alone, this time arounhd..with nobody accompanyihg..so i was stuck with the staff nurses, the doctors on call and of course the patients..it was so horribble,..i really wanted to get back to asrama as fast as i could..why?because,..the doctors don't acknowledge you..so you stand there doing nothing.. and when you ask quesitons..they just reply back with sarcastic remarks..so ..we back down..after enough courage, i aasked whtehr i could do anythig to assist..they just shot back at you.. and the staff nurses never ever acknowledge you.. so all in all we sort of become a zombielike statues at the background..but..not to give a baad impression regarding the doctors or anything like that..most are nice to you..but there are few bad apples that really makes it hard..but i can't really blame them.. i guess since we students ..blurry students..are a bit irritating especially for those who are oncall..who wouldn't be tired..start from morning and ends until the next morning..

TO BLOG or NOT TO BLOG?

Assalamualaikum..

Honestly to say, i've been sort of skeptic about blogging..but sometimes in life, it's good to try something new sometimes..

well..let's just give it a shot, why dont we..